I have been blessed to be pregnant five times. I am extremely thankful for this and realize that this is a gift not every woman receives. Yet as I sit here in the middle of the night, almost a week past my due date, I am weary. Weary of the unyielding pain in my ribs (the reason I am up in the middle of the night!), the pressure on my bladder, the swelling in my legs, the inability to sleep, and the exhaustion of running a household and caring for four other children.
I thank God for the privilege of carrying another precious child… and yet my mind is on things that pregnant women don’t like to hear.
Well, this pregnant woman doesn’t appreciate it.
What NOT to say to a pregnant woman:
1. “You look like you’re going to pop!”
Someone once said this to me when I was just six months along. Thanks a lot.
2. “Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?”
I have been asked this more times than I can count. You might think you’re being funny, but this is what I hear: “There’s no way you can be that big without two babies inside. Oh, it’s only one? Then you’re just really, really fat.”
3. “Babies are much easier to take care of when they’re on the inside.”
Okay, guess what? This isn’t my first baby. I know how much work newborns are. But at least when I slide into bed after feeding my newborn, I can sleep. After a week or two of recovery, I won’t hurt everywhere. I won’t have labor hanging over my head. And I’ll have a beautiful baby to love and cherish. Right now I’m just miserable.
4. “I hope it’s a girl! You have enough boys.”
I know you mean well, and my daughter would love to have a sister, but do you really have to say it in front of my three sweet little boys?
5. “I’m sure you’ll have that baby in the next day or two.”
Actually, there’s no way you could know this. You’re trying to be encouraging, but when you are wrong I feel worse than ever.
6. “You’re still here?”
Yes. And thank you for rubbing that in.
What she’d love to hear instead:
Let me just start by saying that if a woman is obviously about to deliver, don’t ask when she’s due. If it looks like she’s about to burst into tears, don’t ask her any questions at all. She really doesn’t want to cry in front of you. Try one of these instead:
1. “You look wonderful.”
It really doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. Just say it.
2. “I think you’re doing great.”
My husband says this to me all the time. It doesn’t feel true in the least, but I appreciate hearing it.
3. “Congratulations!”
Recently as I was waddling through the store at 9 months pregnant, a woman breezing past me said this sweet word in my ear. It was just the encouragement I needed.
4. “I’m bringing you a meal tonight.”
Don’t give her a choice. Just do it. People generally bring meals after the baby comes (which is awesome!), but recently a friend brought me a meal in these final torturous days, and it was so appreciated.
5. “I’m praying for you.”
Thank you. When I feel alone and abandoned during this miserable time, your words remind me that my loving God holds my future in his hands. I know he hears your prayers and mine… and that he will bring this pregnancy to a blessed end. Just maybe not as soon as I’d like.
Five days after this post was published, our baby was born at 11 lbs 12 oz! Read my birth story here.
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My 3 are super close together so I would add, “Whoa, did you plan it that way?”. The fact of the matter is, no, we did not plan it that way, but God did and we are embracing it. And whether we planned it or not is irrelevant. This is our life now and we are doing our best to love it. Motherhood (parenthood) is challenging enough without people acting like we are fruitcakes for having 3 kids under 3 years.
And one other thing that drives me a little batty is “I couldn’t do what you do” because yes, you could. If you had to, you would do it. I hear this a lot either because of the 3 under 3 thing or because my husband is a soldier so is gone a lot (had baby #2 while he was in Afghanistan). I just think hearing how hard my life is (at times) is not very encouraging! I would rather hear, “You can do it” or “You are doing a great job” which you previously mentioned.
I so hear u on this…I am so sick of hearing how crazy we r because my oldest and youngest r 25 months apart (there is a 3rd in between!) Crazy in love w my beautiful children but I don’t need your criticism about how close in age my kids are. God has blessed us with our children. I do however apprecappreciate when people tell me how strong I must be to be a stay at home mom with them so close. But then there’s oh wow, you must be crazy to stay home with all 3…no…I’m blessed to be able to. Ugh people just don’t get it!
On a side note I’d like to thank your entire family for your husband’s service. It takes a very strong person to stand behind our troops and stay home when they leave to protect us. You CAN do. Thank you again. And remember if u ever need any help there are many people (from all over) looking to help. (I’m a member of the amvets ladies auxiliary and we try to help the families left at home as well as the troops sent over seas.)
I’m guilty of saying “I couldn’t do what you do–” and I love what you said about how it’s not encouraging to hear how hard your life is. I’ll remember that! And I agree… it is a blessing to stay at home with our kids, even when the days are tough!
Thanks for posting this- I have another three weeks left and completely get it. I’ve gotten into the bad habit of being awake until one o’clock in the morning because sleeping is so uncomfortable now- which doesn’t help matters when you’re taking care of two other children. I second the idea of bringing meals over- we had a neighbor recently that called to say she was bringing dinner over. She had no idea how much I needed the break and how much that simple gesture meant. I’ll also second Meghan’s comments above- don’t ask if we planned to have three children under three like it’s a plague. Probably rudest of all- don’t smirk and ask “So are you done now?” Probably not, but it’s not like we’re asking you to raise them for us. 🙂
I know what you mean, Mary…. so many people think I must be supermom (or a crazy woman) for having kids close together. No… we just wanted a big family and got a late start. And no matter what we want, children only come with God’s blessing. It’s a crazy house, but we’re thankful for it! I know you are too. Blessings to you in these final days! I pray your baby comes early with a speedy delivery!
I loved reading this! And after having twins myself, I could add to the list, “How many babies are you having? We have been trying to guess.” (I wanted to slap her!)
By the way, congratulations! I’m sure you are glowing and look wonderful! Soon you will have another blessing to hold and cherish. Your child of God will be an unbelievable blessing, whether it is a boy or a girl. And I think you are amazing- how do you DO it? You keep on blogging and writing and giving away freebies. I completely FORGOT that you are even pregnant! I could only wish for that much energy even now when my kids are grown up and independent, and my womb is empty.
Praying for you,
Heidi
Oh, SO not amazing, Heidi. Have had lots of tearful, cranky days. Most of these posts I’m sharing now were written in December. You know, so I’d have things to share AFTER the baby was born… ha! Waiting, waiting, waiting….
When I was just 4 months pregnant someone asked me if I were 6 or 8! I felt well really weird and huge and silently sad! At 8 months, everyone seems to think I am past my due date. I have gotten used to it… but yes – please stop guessing what month I am and asking about it…. everyone’s belly is different, right… everyone’s struggles are different. You are right, at this point I am ready to deliver… night after night of no sleep- tossing and turning… with a very loose sack (uterus)… and a huge amount of under tummy pain – this month has been torturous… and yes I just can’t wait for it to be over and the baby to come… I want to hold it and tell her that it has been the longest time I wanted to hold it! Boy or Girl… each is a blessing from God (even though wishing for one over the other… is a humane thing :))
I hope and pray you have a safe delivery too! And I do thing you are doing a fabulous job…I do have no idea how you manage to take care of the kids, home and this blog! Hang in there… it is all going to be worth it once the baby arrives! I can’t wait to see it 🙂 Hugs!
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re miserable too… may God bring your pregnancy to a blessed end soon! It WILL be worth it… just so hard getting there!
I haven’t been pregnant for 21 years and remember those last days of exquisite torture so well. I was not a radiant pregnant person. I had acne on the inside of my elbows. My face and ankles were swollen like my belly. I wanted to eat anything I wanted. I wanted to take meds that would make me feel better. I wanted my body back. My doctors called me “aged.” I had a boy and had wanted a girl. And I remember whispering to my big belly –“you can stay inside as long as you need to.” Pregnancy is hard and long. Parenting is hard and longer. I thank God for everyone of those days. I have loved parenting, even on the hard days. I wait excitedly for my children to have children (my grandchildren!!!). I will try to remember to say nice things to their moms.
You had it tough, Monique… but now you can sympathize with others, which is much more appreciated by a suffering woman than a woman who declares “I never felt better than when I was pregnant!” I’m sure you will be a wonderful mother-in-law!
No words of wisdom or funny personal stories . . . just sending blessings to you and your family!
Thanks so much, Jeannine!
I loved watching people’s faces when I was only 4 month along with my twins and they would say something along the lines of “oh my goodness, you must be due any day”. I got to have a little fun with that.
It’s such a great idea to bring a friend a meal before the baby. I don’t know why that never occurred to me.
Best wishes and congratulations. May you sleep well soon!
Thank you, Kelly! Can’t wait for that blessed hospital sleep (after that baby comes, of course!).
Congratulations ! God bless u.
Thank you, Shalini!
Amen to your points on What Not to Say! Congratulations and looking forward to hearing about your newest addition!
Thanks, Mia… I’ll be sure to let the KBN know when the big day arrives!
My youngest is 20 years-old now and I have 4 grandchildren with number 5 on the way! You are a blessed woman. I know that it may not seem that way all of the time, but I can tell you, as someone who has reached the end of her active parenting, you are in a wonderful time of you life 🙂 Children are a gift! And being a grandma is the funnest thing ever!! Good luck and God bless.
Hi Cindy, I definitely agree it’s a wonderful time of my life. But I think it’s okay to say that not every moment is wonderful. We’re so looking forward to meeting #5! Hopefully very soon!!
Dear Anna,
I’m praying for you. I would bring you a meal if I could, but I live on the other side of the earth. 😉 Thank you so much for the wonderful resources you share through this website. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my query when you could be putting your feet up and resting. God bless you and your family.
You’re so welcome, Anusha… thanks for following along! I hope you keep finding things you can use.
Dear Anna, if I didn’t live 8 hours away, I would drop off a meal and a big bag of m&m’s and take your kids for a few hours… or maybe it would be a better idea just to stay and do some laundry for you. 🙂 I’m praying that though this baby is slow to come out, it’s going to be quick when it does (not so quick that you can’t make it to the hospital). Many prayers are with you, friend…
Can you overnight the M & M’s?? Hee hee. Still no baby, praying it comes before the scheduled induction, but God’s will be done.
WHAT a burger.
I hope the baby is now here! This is a great post that every busybody should read!
No, not yet, Natalie…
Whenever I think of someone who has it bad during pregnancy, I think of you, Carly. Wow. I love the idea of doing this for adoptive moms. It would be very helpful for people like me who don’t always know what to say. If you post it I will link to it in this post!
I always hated to hear, “any contractions yet?” Seriously! From strangers and coworkers. Really, in those last weeks and days, all I wanted was a distraction. Ask me about a tv show, or the weather, or ANYTHING to get my mind off my belly!
I agree, Louise! Especially since all those early contractions don’t necessarily mean anything…
Here’s something not to say ” aren’t you a little old” or “did you have to have help or was it a miracle baby ”
We chose not to find out gender so other comments were ” I couldn’t do that” “how will your guests at the shower know what to buy”
Agreed – comments about age or conception are NEVER appropriate! We have kept all our babies’ gender a surprise too. I’ve always found it gives me something special to anticipate during those final weeks which can be so tough.
I remember with my first one, he was 12 days late and I got SO tired of hearing. “You haven’t had that baby yet???” Um…actually, yes, I did. And then I left him at home, stuck a basketball in my shirt and came back to work. Don’t ask stupid questions!
I can’t wait this time around for some stranger to ask if I’m sure there aren’t two in there – b/c there are! 23 weeks pregnant with twins and I look 7 months pregnant already…. :/
Ha! Love your come back, Tasha — am wondering if you actually used it. Congratulations on a TWIN pregnancy! I’m sure it’s daunting but also very exciting at the same time. My brother and I were twins, and my mom always says it was twice the work but twice the fun, too. Blessings on your pregnancy!
Don’t forget the ever-eager touchy people. I work retail and if I tell someone I’m pregnant I have perfect strangers wanting to touch my bump. Someone said I waddled today. I’m only 4 months and barely showing. Never before I was pregnant did I want to touch a belly unless asked to. Neither did I make such comments. The one thing I’m guilty of though is joking with a co worker about when our fellow co workers baby would come. I won’t do that again.
LOL, I actually made it a point to avoid people trying to touch my stomach. it’s my stomach and the only people who touched it were my husband, mom, mother in law and sister. Everyone else best back off.
That is so strange about people touching pregnant bellies… that’s something I haven’t encountered much of. Maybe I’m looking sour enough that no one’s brave enough to try 🙂 Congratulations on your pregnancy, Molly! I hope you enjoy some nice summer weather so you can take that baby on lots of walks!
I have 6 children and each of them have been an average of 2 weeks “late”. (2.5 wks late, 2.5 wks late, 10 days, 2 weeks, 2 weeks, 10 days).
The one I get all the time that drives me crazy is, “How are you feeling?” BELIEVE ME- you REALLY don’t want me to tell you. But, we are still to be polite so I just smile (with a little bit of teeth gritting) and say, “To be expected.”
Or any crazy idea of how to “get that baby to come”. Believe me, I have heard it ALL! AND NONE of it works!
Oh, Peggy, what a test of patience to have all of your children be so past their due dates! I know someone who had 8 kids, and each one was 3 weeks past their due dates (about 30+ years ago), except her twins, which were “on time.”
I don’t like suggestions as to how to induce labor naturally, either. I figure if any of them actually worked there wouldn’t be people like you! 🙂 It’s hard to trust God’s timing, but I’ve found that’s all I can do.
Thanks for commenting!
My least favorite is, “So, do you think you will finally be done after this one?” How is that any of their business?
No kidding! I get comments along those lines quite frequently…
My favorite was the well-meaning “friend” who would call me every day and say “Haven’t you had that baby, yet?” Ha ha ha. I finally told her “Yes! I did! But I didn’t tell you” one day (I really hadn’t). She got mad at me but she stopped asking that.
Oh, that one is a tough one, I agree! I think people should always assume we haven’t had the baby, just in case!
I want to throw one in for those of us who suffered miscarriages. After my fourth miscarriage, a dear friend and co-worker asked, “Are you going to try again?” This cut me to the quick. It was as if she was saying, “Well, you stink at that, too, so why keep trying?” The truth is we didn’t “try” again, but we didn’t “stop” trying and now have a beautiful 5- years-old daughter. In response to my friend, in public, I just nodded and smiled, but had a private conversation to express my feelings. We are still good friends today.
So sorry to hear about the miscarriages. It takes a particularly strong person to get through that kind of thing. I can’t even begin to imagine. But I am glad to hear you have a little girl now. Before my husband and I were bless with our little girl, I was so worried we wouldn’t get pregnant. We had been married for five years before trying and people who I barely knew would ask me that entire time, “when are you guys gonna have kids?” “Your sister already has two, so when are you going to start your family?” For all they knew we were trying and couldn’t get pregnant. I would be polite to them up front and then go cry in the bathroom and have to remind myself that it would happen in God’s timing. My baby girl is 6 months old and my grandma just passed away in December. She has been a blessing that my family needed during this time. I thank God for His perfect will in our lives and for His timing.
Oh, yes, I agree with this one completely. After 2 miscarriages in a row, I told someone I am pregnant and they said “oh so you are going to try again.” I was so mad, what did she think it wasn’t worth it? Did she think we shouldn’t have more? What does she think of this precious daughter now, that we “shouldn’t have tried for”?
I’m glad to see other commenters supporting you here, Wendy. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. That is a very hard burden to bear. It sounds like you handled the issue with your friend beautifully, and I’m so thankful with you that you have a lovely daughter now!
“Are you sure you’re only xx weeks?” – this too can only translate as “Whoa, you’re really fat!” Another favorite is “You’ll never make it to your due date!” – thanks for wishing a preemie upon me.
I don’t like that comment either! People forget that with our own calculations and ultrasounds, due dates are pretty good guesses. This falls into the same category as “Are you SURE you’re not having twins?”
I got here via the “10 things you shouldnt say to an adoptive mom”- and I got THERE because someone put up a link on facebook. anyway as someone who never had children I wanted to to say I appreciated it. I’m one of those that is “guilty as charged” for some of the things I said. I didnt realize how I came across so thank you for alerting me to that.
Believe me, I said many of these things before I had kids too. I remember saying “You look like you’re going to pop” way too many times… and this is horrible, but I probably asked women how much weight they gained. Oof. Agreed that these lists are helpful for people who haven’t experienced it… and good reminders for those of us who have!
Another one I get is “you’re eating again?” But I get asked this during my lunch break when everyone else is eating as well!
Now that one (“You’re eating again?”) would be annoying! I might be tempted to use a few choice words…
I totally get this. At 7 and a half months (and my first) I haven’t heard them all yet, but I’ve got time.. LOL!
One little thing. If you tell me you’re praying for me, I will be offended. Don’t assume I have the same religious convictions as you, and don’t assume I want to hash out what those are in the middle of the grocery store, with you. My thoughts on religion are deeply personal, and I don’t really want you acting like you know me. Even if you mean well, keep it to yourself, thanks. And no, you can’t touch my belly either…
Hi Sarah — good point about the praying comment. When I wrote that I was directing it to my Christian friends who share my faith, since many of them have said that to me in recent weeks, and it was very encouraging. But this may be out of place when talking to a stranger. As for the belly touching, only a couple of people have done that to me — but I know other women get that a lot! Crazy!
I did recently have an experience where a woman in a coffee shop sat and talked with me for over an hour. Religion came up, and we spoke frankly for some time. Our belief systems were entirely at odds, but when she asked to pray with me before we parted I eagerly accepted. 🙂 No assumptions were made, and beliefs and boundaries were honored. What a refreshing experience…
Thank you soo much for writing this. I had my first little girl back in the end of July and heard so many harsh things during my pregnancy. What is wrong with women that they feel they have to tell you their horror stories as well as point out all the bad things about pregnancy.
My labor and delivery went great! I had a couple of very positive people around me for support including my husband, mom and mother in law. It is soo important to say nice things to pregnant ladies, don’t compliment them on how big their feet are or mention that they must be soo uncomfortable. God’s word says every idle word will be held accountable for so the idiotic small talk really needs to end.
So thank you for writing this, cause people need to know how insensitive they really are being sometimes.
Hi Heather! I agree that sharing scary birth stories with pregnant mothers is a really bad idea, unless they are really asking for details to help them prepare. Even then it doesn’t help to spell everything out! I’m so glad you had a great labor and delivery experience.
All were said to me but #4 and it didn’t bother me in the least.
Hi, Misla – that’s great that these things didn’t bother you. I don’t remember being bothered at all with my first pregnancy because I was small and felt so good. (Didn’t hurt that she was 2 1/2 weeks early compared to my last baby who was 2 weeks late!) In my experience, the more pregnancies I have, the older these comments get!
Oh, thank you soo much for these. I was in tears till I was done reading these 2 lists. I have 6 weeks to go yet and feel miserable and wish people would understand. Another one I would add is one that was recently said to me. “oh, it is waddle time again.” Ok, I know I waddle but it is because I am in pain. It hurts to walk at all, let alone trying to keep everything tight and up straight so you can walk without waddle. I linked to your post. Thanks.
How are you feeling, Hannah? That last month is brutal! I hope you have some good days mixed in with the rough ones. Soon you’ll be holding that little baby… I know it doesn’t feel like it will ever happen, but I’m proof that it finally does 🙂 Our little girl will be a week old tomorrow. Blessings to you!
Great article! I’d also like to add, “I thought you didn’t want kids” to the list of things I hated hearing when I was pregnant.
Or for other women, “I thought you were done!” I agree – not a good thing to say. The best thing to do is celebrate the new life!
I’m sorry people have not been encouraging to you, Jessie — that’s quite insensitive. The best thing to say is “Congratulations!” and leave it at that! Blessings to you during this exciting time!
I’m on my third pregnancy in 4 years, and boy can i relate… here are some of the other things i hate hearing:
1. “God bless you”— this can seem like the “i’m praying for you” comment, but it’s usually said with an inflection in your tone that makes it come across as “you must be insane”
2. “so will you be done after this one?” –frankly, that’s none of your business, and honestly i have no idea. hubby and i always wanted a big family, although we’re getting it a little sooner than planned.
3. “do you know what it is?”— We only found out ahead of time with our middle child, but didn’t plan on telling anyone else (which quickly backfired). This is usually asked in conjunction with…
4. “what do you want?” or “what do you think it is?”– well i’m leaning towards human child, but i guess a puppy would be nice too. but these three questions imply that one is better than the other. hate to be cliched and say it but… as long as the baby is healthy, and you know what else? after seeing some friends struggle with less than 100% healthy babies, but persevere, even that comment has become faux pas for me.
that’s all i can think of right now… oh, btw, don’t touch me. just because there’s a baby inside my belly doesn’t suddenly make it public property.
I agree with every one of these, Jennifer! I kind of go a little nuts at how many people ask “Do you have a feeling if it’s a boy or a girl?” For what it’s worth, this time I had myself convinced it was boy #4, and we had a girl.
And I really don’t like the “As long as it’s healthy, it doesn’t matter” comment… because like you I have friends with children who have special needs. I trust that God will give us the strength to handle whatever challenges we meet.
Got another goody today… “You don’t look like you’re pregnant!” um… thanks? so are you trying to say that i’m too impossibly skinny to have a human child growing inside me, or that i ALWAYS look 8 months pregnant?
OK here’s a related question. My DIL is expecting our first grandchild very soon. We were talking with her recently and asked her if the baby is moving a lot and if the Dr has said if he thinks she may go early. Just trying to make conversation, which can be a challenge with her under regular circumstances. Her reply to our questions: “That’s personal and I don’t really want to talk about it!” How would you suggest we talk to her? Do you think we crossed the line? We didn’t ask anything I would consider personal. Also, according to our son she is fine and the baby is fine so it’s not due to a medical or health issue.
Hello! Thanks so much for writing – are you a grandma yet? No, I don’t think those questions are too personal for most people, and I don’t think you crossed the line. It’s too bad that your daughter-in-law can be a challenge to talk to! As someone who has a pretty good memory of what it was like having my first baby, I’ll try to help you with some suggestions for how to talk to her… First of all, remember that first time moms (even ones that are easy to talk to) can be hyper-vigilant, see things in black and white, and be very rigid about how they plan to parent. I know I was all those things! I think it bugged my in-laws, and even though they are very kind people and said things nicely, I always felt deeply hurt and offended if they disagreed with anything I wanted to do. Sounds like your DIL is also hyper-sensitive, so I would just encourage you to be positive and helpful without passing judgment. Most of all, ask how SHE is doing and feeling and probably never say anything that could SOUND like criticism, like “you look tired.” Unless she would actually be doing something that is actually WRONG, try not to offer your two cents – like “the baby should be in a playpen” or “why aren’t you starting solid foods yet?” or “most babies nap longer than that.” Her hormones are going to be raging high — maybe ask your son what she would most appreciate. Fresh flowers, freezer meals, a month of housekeeping service, etc? Hope this helps!
Yes! She came yesterday! And of course, she’s BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Honestly I’m not one of “those” MIL. It’s not my thing to offer unsolicited advice. So we’re good there. I guess that’s why I was so surprised by her reply, because I’ve never tried to advise her on anything! But like you said, hormones are raging. Also her mom is pretty controlling, so I think her responses are more defensive because of it. As far as helping goes, I’ve spent the past 2 weeks cooking & freezing meals for them! It’s been a fun, rewarding, exhausting gift. But my FIL did it for us when we had our first and it was an AMAZING gift! I will certainly keep your tips in mind when dealing with the new parents. Thanks again! 🙂
Oh, how wonderful! Congratulations to your family! You sound like an amazing mother-in-law… nothing better than a gift of freezer meals!! Enjoy that sweet little girl 😉 Ours is three months old today!